Alternate Universe Meme: Round 3

[john_amend_all]

No-one asked for Jamie/Sam, but I did a set anyway for my own amusement.

1. Wild West

"Ah, there you are," Sheriff Crossland said, as Jamie and Samantha stumbled down the stairs. "You OK this morning?"

"Didn't get much sleep," Samantha said, with an ostentatious yawn.

"Well, I reckon it'll be a busy day today. We'll be quartering the badlands near Tyler's Peak for your brother, miss. You'll be coming?"

"Of course."

"I'll just go get the horses ready, then."

Left alone with Jamie, Samantha nudged him. "Not having second thoughts about last night, are you?"

Jamie shook his head. "It's just... that bit when you were talking about a 'cowgirl'. I didnae ken you meant that."

2. Cyberpunk

Jean's face was pallid in the green light of her VDU. "If half of this is accurate, we've stumbled across the biggest identity theft conspiracy I've ever seen! And Blade Holdings are right in the middle of it!"

"So does that mean my brother..." Samantha didn't dare finish the sentence.

"If he's still alive, Blade's got him."

"Right. Where's this Blade hang out?"

"Now just a minute," Jamie said. "Don't you go trying anything dangerous. We should ask—"

Samantha turned a look on him that would have melted steel. "You do what you like," she said. "I'm going after Blade."

3. Shapeshifters

"How do I know you're the real Jamie?" Samantha asked, closing the door of her hotel room behind them.

"You can tell by the way I talk, can't I?" Jamie said.

Samantha looked unconvinced. "Maybe."

"Aye, and I'm not wearing one of those armbands."

"What if it's under your clothes?" She began to unbutton his shirt. "Safest if we make sure, right?"

"Just a minute," Jamie said, trying to back away. "How do I know you're not one of those Chameleons?"

"You don't. Unless you take my clothes off me, too." Samantha grinned. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

4. Pirates

The door of Captain Blade's cabin shuddered under another heavy blow, then burst open. His cutlass at the ready, Jamie advanced on the grim pirate.

"You keep your hands off Miss Briggs!" Jamie demanded.

"Or what?" The grim pirate retrieved his own cutlass. "You'll be nothing but food for sharks, boy, by the time I'm done with—"

He broke off as Samantha flung her discarded dress over his head. Before he could wriggle out of it, the hilt of Jamie's cutlass had knocked him unconscious.

Though they clearly had to escape at once, Samantha insisted on one burning kiss first.

5. …In SPACE!!

"You OK?" Samantha called down. Or up. Or sideways; in these weightless conditions, it was purely a matter of choice.

"I'm still a wee bit giddy." Jamie clung onto the handrail for dear life. "Can't you feel it?"

"I think it's fab!" Samantha did a midair twirl. "Hey, you know what, Jamie?"

"What?"

"I should've worn trousers, shouldn't I?" She tried to push her miniskirt down, to no avail.

"Well, I told you—" Jamie broke off in horror as the realisation struck him. "My kilt! Sam, you can see..."

"Everything." Samantha flashed him a grin. "Not that I'm complaining, chuck."

6. Born Another Gender

"Look, no offence, love," Sam Briggs said. "But looking round that hangar... it's a bloke's job. You do what the Doctor said. Stay here and keep out of trouble."

He departed, leaving Janet quietly fuming.

"Loudmouthed borrach," she muttered to herself. "Serve him right if he goes there and they do catch him."

And while, in Janet's view, Sam's confidence could certainly deserve to be taken down a few notches, she decided he didn't deserve whatever Chameleon Tours did to trespassers. Not if she had anything to say about it, anyway.

Within five minutes, she had arrived at the hangar.

7. Schoolfic

Jean Rock looked up to where her classmate was precariously balanced on the top of the lockers. On tiptoe, Samantha could just about reach the ventilator. It appeared her efforts had not been in vain; her stretching hands closed on something.

"Got 'em!" Samantha triumphantly proclaimed.

"Good," Jean said. "Now get down before that sneak Michelle sees us. What were they doing up there?"

Samantha shrugged. "Ask Jamie. It's his idea of a joke."

"Each to her own," Jean said, helping Samantha down. "But I wouldn't go out with a boy who kept hiding my exercise books in strange places."

8. Police/Firefighters

"Well, can't you just unlock them?" Samantha demanded.

"No! We keep the key down at the station." PC McCrimmon gave her an exasperated look. "What did you want to go mucking about with my handcuffs for, anyway?"

Samantha pouted. "Thought we could have some fun. That's all."

"I'm supposed to be looking for your brother. The Superintendent'll have me on the carpet when he finds out about this."

"Oh." With her hands restrained Samantha looked worryingly demure. "Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. You'd better have me on the carpet first. Know what I mean?"

9. Urban Fantasy

"Silver bullets for werewolves," Jamie said. "And here's thunderbolt iron shot for fairies, stakes for vampires, and a mithril bazooka for Balrogs."

"Blimey," Samantha said. "You get a lot of them round here?"

"Maybe not the Balrogs so much." Jamie attempted to project an urbane air. "But the Doctor and I've seen a few things in our time. I'm not saying they're all bad, but one or two..."

Samantha surveyed the carefully-organised armoury. "Have you got anything that stops a gobby Scouse bird who's got ideas about snogging you?"

"I don't think so. Why, d'ye think that might be a—"

10. Harem

Since Samantha coined the phrase "Jamie's Angels" while comparing the fic she was in to a harem anime, it was fairly obvious what sort of story this would have to be.

"Are you supposed to be Julius Caesar?" Zoë asked, with her usual keen grasp of history.

"Blockhead," Isobel said casually. "That's a Charles II costume."

"There's a Nell Gwyn one comes with it," Jamie said. "I wondered if one of you wanted..."

"I couldn't possibly," Victoria said. "Dressing as an actress? Of famously loose morals? That would never do."

"You don't fancy the rôle?" Gia asked Samantha. "Chirpy city girl who gets to kiss the king? You'd normally jump at something like that."

Samantha shook her head firmly. "I'm not going near him while he's wearing that horrible false moustache."