john_amend_all

Title: The Murder of Cardinal Tosca
Author: john_elliott
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Sarah, Cardinal Ximinez
Rating: All ages
Word count: ~650
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the BBC.

"You know," John Watson said, pushing his tray away slightly, "I think that's the first time we've got to the end of a meal together without being interrupted by policemen or gangsters."

Sarah smiled at him. "Or the fire brigade."

"Oh, yes, that. Believing Sherlock when he said he'd cook for us. Not my finest hour, was it?"

He glanced across at Sherlock Holmes, but failed to get a response. The world's first consulting detective was in a world of his own, concentrating on the mobile telephone in his hand.

John raised his voice slightly. "Something the matter, Sherlock?"

"Text from Lestrade," Sherlock said, abstractedly. "Says he's sending someone round to see us. Someone he doesn't want to deal with himself but he can't ignore."

The other two glanced at the screen.

"He doesn't say anything like that," Sarah said.

"No, but he's misspelt two words. He does that when he's in a bad mood from talking to someone he thinks is a crank. He'd send a crank away with a flea in his ear, but he's passed this one on to us, so he thinks there may be something in it."

"You think this might be a case?" John asked.

"It's possible. We shall have to—"

The door flew open, and three men, wearing billowing red cloaks and broad-brimmed red hats, burst into the room.

"Do come in," Sherlock said calmly. "We've been expecting you."

"On the contrary," one of the red-robed men retorted. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Allow me to present myself. My name is Cardinal Francisco Ximinez de Cisneros."

"Sherlock Holmes," the great detective said, rising to his feet. "This is my flatmate, John—"

Ximinez waved his hand dismissively. "Then you are the man I seek. We are here to tell you one thing: Cardinal Tosca has been found dead, and we— two things. Cardinal Tosca is dead, and we have been sent to you by the Pope, to engage your assistance. Three things. We are here to tell you the three things, that we have just divulged to you."

"How very interesting," Sherlock said. "Take a seat and tell me more."

"I'll just move these, then," John said, hastily clearing a chair of an untidy heap of newspapers, magazines, books and a half-wired electric kettle.

"Thank you." Ximinez sat down, and launched into his tale.

"And that is all I have to say," Ximinez finished, and then corrected himself. "Almost all. Mr Holmes, what is your opinion of the case? That is all— wait. We will, of course, defray your expenses in the course of this investigation. That is all. Really."

"And Lestrade thinks it's an accident?" Sherlock sighed. "That man never learns. It's obvious from the broken clock-radio alone. Yes, I'll take the case."

"Excellent. I shall inform his Holiness at once." And with that, the three Inquisitors were gone as suddenly as they'd arrived.

Sarah sat back in her chair. "Well, that was different."

"You'll get used to it," John said. "This sort of thing happens all the time."

"You don't think it's the least bit weird that the Spanish Inquisition should turn up in your living room?"

"No."

Sarah turned to Sherlock. "Didn't you notice anything odd about them?"

"The one who spoke was a lawyer," Sherlock said, half-closing his eyes. "The man on his right has worked as a pilot, and the other one was at some time involved in the supply of upholstered furnishings. They've been in London for less than a day, they came in through the Channel Tunnel and called at Scotland Yard and the Tate Modern. Nothing out of the ordinary. Do you want me to go on?"

"They're the Spanish Inquisition!" Sarah realised she was shouting, and lowered her voice. "The Inquisition was abolished hundreds of years ago. And suddenly they come knocking on your door. Doesn't that strike you as a little bit unusual?"

Sherlock Holmes shook his head. "Still not getting it."

"Me neither," Doctor Watson added.

Author's Note: This is by way of making up for not putting Cardinal Ximinez in Less Than Ideal Circumstances, despite the fact that, like UNIT, Miss Marple, and, of course, the latest Sherlock Holmes, he isn't tied to anything so mundane as a fixed date in history.

ETA: Within seconds of posting this, it was the no. 3 result on Google for "Cardinal Tosca". The mind boggles.