john_amend_all

justice_turtle asked for a commentary on Act 5, Scene 10 of Storytime: Macbeth.

Rose:
Hi, and welcome to the commentary track for this scene. With me in the studio are:

Me:
Hello, I'm john_amend_all, and I wrote this episode. Or at least, the bits that Shakespeare didn't.

Jamie:
I'm Jamie McCrimmon.

Samantha:
And I'm Sam Briggs. We were the narrators.

Rose:
Since you can't see us, I should point out Sam's sitting on Jamie's knee. She insisted. Can't you keep your hands off him for five minutes?

Samantha:
You're a fine one to talk.

Turlough:
Vislor Turlough, Macbeth.

Nine:
And I played Macduff.

Rose:
Right. So, john_amend_all, if that's your real name, what was you thinking when you wrote this scene?

Turlough:
Probably something along the lines of "My, this rum's splendid stuff. Let's open another bottle."

Me:
No, actually. I think it was more likely a sense of relief that it wasn't too far to go now to the end.

Samantha:
Aw, cheer up a bit. It was a laugh.

Jamie:
Most of it, anyway.

Turlough:
That's easy for you to say. You didn't get shot at point-blank range by a gun that can melt Dalek battle armour. I didn't even get to finish my speech.

Ninth Doctor:
No second chances. You ought to know that.

Rose:
Yeah. Well said. So why'd you choose my darling Doctor to play Macduff?

Me:
Um. I didn't choose him, the storybook did.

Jamie:
Pull the other one.

Me:
OK. I wanted the only survivor of a dreadful calamity that had wiped out his family, and at the same time someone who could play a suitably heroic role. It seemed pretty straightforward, really.

Nine:
I'm surprised you didn't put Rose as my wife.

Rose:
That's a point. I could've been married to the Doctor and had hundreds of kids... oh. And then I'd've been brutally murdered.

Nine:
That's what I meant. He does that sort of thing to you, doesn't he?

Me:
I didn't think of that at the time. Or until you suggested it, actually.

Rose [firmly]:
Well, it's too late to do anything about it now.

Turlough:
I'd still like to know why it was necessary to incinerate me. I'd been practising my swordplay for days.

Jamie:
Probably ran out of tomato sauce for the blood.

Me:
I think there's some truth in that. Doctor Who is always geared more towards the science-fictional style of death than blood and gore, after all.

Turlough:
I suppose that's a small mercy. At least it was quick.

Rose:
Let's see what other questions we've got. "Why did you write it in the first place?"

Samantha:
He wrote this scene 'cos it's in the play. That's obvious.

Jamie:
But we skipped some of the scenes at the beginning.

Samantha:
Yeah, but you'd hardly miss out the scene where the villain gets defeated, would you?

Nine:
It's been known.

Rose:
Next question. "Why d'you choose certain words?". Looks to me like Shakespeare did all the choosing, anyway. Except for one word.

Nine:
Looms!

Jamie:
Looooooooms!

Samantha:
Looooooooooooooms!

Me:
I'm certainly not a fanatical believer in the Loom Theory of Time Lord Origin. But it's certainly a better fulfilment of the 'none of woman born' prophecy than Caesarian section. And it amuses me that when the new series has gone to such lengths...

Rose:
Yeah, we know. You say that every time anyone mentions Looms. Who are you supposed to be, Terrance Dicks?

Jamie:
Hardly. If Terrance Dicks starts writing a story, he finishes it.

Rose:
Is there anything else anyone wants to ask?

Turlough:
You haven't asked what was going through the characters' heads.

Rose:
Oh. Yeah. What's—

Turlough:
In my case, about half a cubic metre of high-energy plasma.

Samantha:
Walked into that one, didn't you?

Rose:
And there we must leave this commentary track, and I'd like to thank all the participants.

Omnes:
Goodbye.

[A pause.]

Vicki's voice [presumably coming from a producer's gallery somewhere]:
Thank you, everybody. It's a wrap.

Samantha:
Right. I suppose we can go, then. Jamie, why don't you come round to my place for a drink and a really obvious go at seducing you?

[They leave.]

Turlough:
Ah, young love. Don't expect me to make any of you a similar offer.

[He departs.]

Rose:
I'm taken, anyway. Snookums, do you mind if I catch you up later?

Nine:
Snookums?!

[He exchanges a glance with Rose, nods, and takes his leave.]

Rose [with an evil grin]:
Right, Mr. Author, now I've got you on my own, I'm gonna have a few words with you. About all that stuff you did to me in The Priory School for the sake of a few cheap laughs, for starters...