Character Substitution Meme: The Fic

[john_amend_all]

lost_spook said:

Okay, any of your Jamie's Angels stories (the choice is yours), becomes Harry's Angels.

I decided they could face the department store of Trouble in Store.

"What do you think?" Bettan asked.

Sarah boggled. "You're not serious! Talk about crimes against fashion — that blouse would need the UN to appoint a special prosecutor. What on Earth do you see in it?"

"I grew up on Skaro, remember? We had to make do with whatever we could salvage from the nearest corpse." Bettan looked at the blouse again, and shrugged. "Anyway, Vira said I shouldn't take your advice on fashion. Something about 'Andy Pandy'?"

"Yes, I've got a few fashion catastrophes to my name. You could call me an expert on the subject." Sarah poked at the blouse. "That's how I know one when I see one. Seriously, magenta checks do not suit you. Ask Harry if you don't believe me... Where's he got to, anyway?"

"Sorry about this," Harry muttered. "I've come over all drowsy. Can't think what's the matter with me today."

He grabbed at a nearby bed for support, missed, and slid to the floor. Leela bent over him and shook him, to no avail.

"Wake up!" she shouted. "This is no time for sleep!"

There was no answer. She drew her knife, glancing this way and that. If it came to it, she was prepared to surround the two of them with a wall of bodies. And it looked as if it would come to it: a double door nearby slid open, revealing four of the store's warriors and—

"Vira?"

"Medical assistance was called on this aisle," Vira said dully. "One casualty to remove."

Leela raised her knife. "Stay where you are. If any of your demons approach Harry, they will die."

Vira held up her hand. The four men came to a halt, in perfect synchronisation.

"We have only your friend's welfare at heart," she droned.

"Heart?" Leela spat. "If you had a true heart, you would not now be a slave of this abode of devils. Or perhaps the weakness is in your—"

Before Leela could finish, something sharp stung her from behind. She spun round; no-one was there, but a little way away a checkout assistant was lowering a strange, plasticky gun. Feeling suddenly light-headed, she reached round and down, felt her fingers close around the dart sticking into her, and realised too late that her blowpipe wasn't the only weapon of its kind in this shop. Already her vision was blurring, and her legs felt numb.

With the last of her strength, Leela threw her knife. Her aim was true; the cashier didn't so much collapse, as disintegrate in a shower of purple liquid. But she had no time to celebrate her victory, as the numbness surged up her body and a grey haze swirled before her eyes.

"Two casualties to remove," Vira's voice said, as if from an immense distance.

On casting: Sarah is, I hope, obvious. Vira replaces Gia as the older member of the team who's never quite sure how she got mixed up in all the nonsense. Bettan makes quite an interesting Angel; she's a soldier (maybe even a former child soldier) who can hold her own in battle, but her youth and sharply limited experience also mean she can take Victoria's place as the ingénue in non-military matters. And Leela is in because (a) she's too awesome to leave out, and (b) she'd probably want to add Harry to her list of implausible boyfriends.

daibhid_c requested:

I don't know why, but the idea that popped into my head was a take on "Last But Not Least" - last human Dave Lister (and associates) becomes last human Arthur Dent (and associates).

"And now," the Lady Cassandra announced, "we take tea, according to ancient Earth custom."

Arthur picked up the goblet in front of him, took a sip, clutched his throat, and doubled over, coughing and spluttering.

"Arthur!" Trillian jumped to her feet. "Are you— Marvin! Help him!"

"Standard orbit, Marvin," the robot intoned lugubriously. "Clean the bathrooms, Marvin. Marvin, could you pump the Earthman's stomach if it's not too much trouble? Do I look as if I'd enjoy pumping stomachs? For that matter, do I appear to have the necessary equipment?"

Arthur, by now, had recovered from his choking fit, and looked down at the shattered remains of the goblet.

"What was that stuff?" he asked.

"Tea, of course," Cassandra said. "Carefully prepared according to the traditional recipe."

Trillian sniffed carefully at her own tea. "Mustard?" she said. "Beetroot juice? Just where did this..." She tailed off as a thought struck her. "Ford, can I borrow the Book a moment?"

Ford handed his copy of the Hitch-Hikers' Guide over, a trifle reluctantly. Trillian tapped at it, provoking the usual clicks and whirrs that the Book seemed to use as a clearing of its electronic throat.

"Tea, comma, recipe," it said in its quiet, measured voice. "Ingredients: Thyme, blackcurrant juice, fish-shaped ethyl benzene, anti-coagulants, alpha resins, grit-shaped grit. To prepare—"

Trillian cut the voice off and passed the Guide back to Ford.

"I wonder who wrote that?" she said. "Out of all the possible Guide researchers who've written anything about Earth, I mean. I'd say there's what, maybe one candidate?"

"The Guide is definitive," Ford said defensively. "And I'm sure I didn't write that. Well, maybe not all of it. Hang on, I'll see if I can get at the edit history."

"Can I have yours, if you aren't drinking it?" Zaphod asked, leaning across Ford to secure his untouched goblet. "If I'd known tea was supposed to be like this I'd have started drinking it years ago."

This entry was originally posted at http://john-amend-all.dreamwidth.org/27689.html. Feel free to comment there or here.

Comments

[thisbluespirit]

I had a feeling that would be fun. Of course, it could never work quite as well as Jamie's Angels - Jamie & co seem made for it. But I was intrigued to see who you'd choose. (I'd assumed Sarah as a given, and probably Vira... and that was about it. :-D)

The other one is fun, too.

[john_amend_all]

Of course, Harry is at a disadvantage, not having had Jamie's length of tenure on the show; and since I'm not as familiar with that era, it's possible that I missed suitable candidates. But it did seem that there weren't candidates beating a path to his door, as there were with Jamie.

The other era that could put together a team of angels without any difficulty at all is Seven's; you've got Rachel, Mel, Ace and all Ace's girlfriends-of-the-week. Just a question of where to find the token male :-) ETA: Hex, I suppose.

[thisbluespirit]

Heh. Or Glitz, of course...

[pedanther]

I like both of these.

And, since nobody else seems to have mentioned it: That "fish-shaped ethyl benzene" sounds oddly familiar. I wonder what the Guide's entry for "Cake, comma, recipe" is like...

[john_amend_all]

GLaDOS's cake sphere: for all the inedible ingredients you could possibly not want.

And I'm sure the Guide's cake recipe is extremely simple and equally unpalatable.